On Mayday

Lord, teach me to NOT WANT,

Not even spiritual comfort

Teach me to detach my desires from myself

So that I desire

Only what you desire

 May 1st, 2015

Tonight I experienced a feeling I had not experienced in over 6 years. The last time it had been a cold night in Frankfurt. I felt like exploding and so I left the house after dark to go downtown. I felt like I was running but really I was walking very slowly. There was something about the city lights amidst the darkness that comforted me. Something about the searing cold helped me empty myself, pour out my soul into the half-emptied streets.  The deafness of the concrete welcomed me, my silent cries bouncing off the steel, the glass, the modern facades… These lights shining in the dark drew me, and their reflections on the Main spoke of peace, hope, beauty. I wandered through the night, through the streets, seeking answers.

The moon stood as my graceful companion, without complaining...almost full, so open, so bright, so comforting. It was God’s way of saying he was there... in my anger, in my confusion, in my restlessness.

Sure, in times of discernment I always look outside to see beyond; I take long walks, seek places of quiet and solitude. Except that this time I am not just searching answers for myself, but for others. And I feel helpless not being able to help.

It may seem silly to do so, but only human.

I am reminded that everything in this world is passing… and I try not to hold on… not to question, just to trust.

Not what I desire Lord, but what you do… do with me as you will, to lead others to you…

Thoughts On Adoration

You have called me here. You knew the deepest, truest desire of my heart. I came thinking I was looking for one thing, and wanting this one thing, I discovered that  what I really wanted and needed was something else. In the end, I simply desired to be with you. And the thought had crossed my mind, but I dismissed making that thought a reality, because I wasn't doing a conscious and intentional effort. I told myself I could be with you wherever I wanted to, using the excuse that you're everywhere, that you're in everything, and available at any time I wanted to be with you. Now I see my selfishness, of going to "see" you, talk to you, whenever and wherever I wanted. But in my heart, my deepest desire was still to be with you, such an honesty with blind eyes. I couldn't see you sometimes, with the same-old excuse of having no time.

Thank you Lord for drawing me here. You called me, and I finally made myself available, thinking I would see your face through others. Instead, you, yourself, pure and present, came. No one else was here but you, when I was expecting a group of people. Only You showed up. You were there, standing as I entered the church, waiting patiently. Waiting for me to see you face to face.

Here I am. I know it's not wrong to see you and expect to see you through events, people, and nature, but I forget sometimes what a blessing it is to see you face to face. And talk to you. And adore you. Thank you for calling out to me, like a good friend, for listening, for being with me. For waiting until I finally came to see you.