Tuesday, May 5, 2015

On Mayday

Lord, teach me to NOT WANT,
Not even spiritual comfort
Teach me to detach my desires from myself
So that I desire
Only what you desire
 May 1st, 2015

Tonight I experienced a feeling I had not experienced in over 6 years. The last time it had been a cold night in Frankfurt. I felt like exploding and so I left the house after dark to go downtown. I felt like I was running but really I was walking very slowly. There was something about the city lights amidst the darkness that comforted me. Something about the searing cold helped me empty myself, pour out my soul into the half-emptied streets.  The deafness of the concrete welcomed me, my silent cries bouncing off the steel, the glass, the modern facades… These lights shining in the dark drew me, and their reflections on the Main spoke of peace, hope, beauty. I wandered through the night, through the streets, seeking answers.
The moon stood as my graceful companion, without complaining...almost full, so open, so bright, so comforting. It was God’s way of saying he was there... in my anger, in my confusion, in my restlessness.
Sure, in times of discernment I always look outside to see beyond; I take long walks, seek places of quiet and solitude. Except that this time I am not just searching answers for myself, but for others. And I feel helpless not being able to help.
It may seem silly to do so, but only human.

I am reminded that everything in this world is passing… and I try not to hold on… not to question, just to trust.

Not what I desire Lord, but what you do… do with me as you will, to lead others to you…